Here's To The One That's Gone Away...

Currently Listening Wolfgang: The Legends Series - Philippine Tagalog Music CD Just because this was in our MIDTERM PHILPER exam (: see related

Meet Joe Black

Death.

It's such a marvelous (for the lack of a better word) coincidence that someone I know, who was in my class when I was in 4th year high school passed away a week before we discussed all about death. It's not just in PHILPER did we discuss about it, but also in Literature. It was a bit hard for me to go through the lessons because I always had a filter of some sort during the discussions because I can't seem to fathom how easy it is for us to die. Just a person accidentally slipping on a banana peel could die INSTANTLY... and yet, people seem to continue going along the paths of our lives, edging ourselves closer and closer to our demise. It was a scary thought to think about throughout the week, I must admit.

After watching it the first time, I wrote this hurriedly... I won't be editing it anymore so that you can see it RAW:

Currently Listening Lifehouse By Lifehouse see related

For the PHILPER Guru.

EDIT/UPDATE: I really apologise for not being able to post this on my other journal. A couple of things came up that caused a lot of complications so I'll just be posting them here. By the way, PACQUIO won! Whoo!

N o  E x i t

Think about the place you have chosen as your hell. Does it look ordinary and bourgeois, like Sartre's drawing room, or is it equipped with literal instruments of torture like Dante's Inferno? Can the mind be in hell in a beautiful place? Is there a way to find peace in a hellish physical environment? Enter Sartre's space more fully and imagine how it would feel to live there endlessly, night and day:

If we have a choice, would that be a valid in terms of the 'idea' of hell? If we had the liberty to select a 'place' to be our hell - wouldn't that be immediately unwarranted in itself? But hey, I'm not complaining. Not that I want to be chucked there in the first place. I will DEFINITELY not want a place with literal instruments of tortue such as Dante's Inferno. That literary piece of work made me so conscious and astute about my daily, rather mundane and tedious tasks. There's just something infinitely frightening about having to go through physical pain endlessly... There's a bit more 'freedom', so to speak if I were to be placed inside a room with three of my greatest adversaries.

I do, believe, however, that most people would rather be baked through and through for the rest of the time than have be given a half-baked pseudo-life in which you are capable of conversation, movement, and all other aspects of the faux-life that will be made of your 'existence' for eternity. It's like being able to taste a piece of the best chocolate in the world after eating shit for 100 years, and that'll be the first and last time you can ever get a taste of it. It's a tease. It's like living in the Matrix only to know that you're in a Matrix. Like having the glimpse of what love feels knowing you can never love and no one will ever love you back in return. It's absolutely horrible. There's an inexplicable feeling of fear that will sweep you thinking of these things.

Is there a way to find peace in a hellish physical environment? I may be just a bit off my bonkers but I do believe that there is a way. There's always a way, anyway. After all, in the world today - so many people are suffering, so many people are already in the state of hell but still they find themselves smiling sometimes. Human beings are such complex and endlessly fascinating creations that even we cannot comprehend how much power we hold to control ourselves. After all, even in Dante's view of hell, there is a 'place' there where there is somber and mellow sadness... In the past, there have been countless of unbelievably feats that people have made to counter the seemingly impossible forces that fall upon us and if we are capable of acquiring and grasping the idea of what 'peace' is, then it is possible.

Or, maybe, as I've said, I'm just really out of it. Gone mad, in short. I'm just being idealistic here.

Can there be hell in a beautiful place? It's hard to imagine the concept of hell encapsulated in a beautiful place. For me, a beautiful place would consist of euphoric sensations that are experienced through all of our senses. If that is so, can hell exist in a place like that? If I already stated beforehand that I can possibly find peace in a hellish environment, would it be hypocritical for me to say that there can be hell in a beautiful place? After all, if I can envision peace in a place where it's supposed to be of eternal damnation, shouldn't I find a way to eradicate the vision of hell in a beautiful place? It's all too confusing, really... but for the sake of hypothetical analysis, let's say that I envision that beautiful place as a location where all of my loved ones do not exist, and I am conscious of their "not being there" - that could be a hellish feeling indeed. But then again, I do remember a question that was asked in one of our other classes:

"If you can remove all of the worst memories from your knowledge, would you?"

A lot of people said :yes", a lot of people said "no". I gave it a lot of thought and finally said, "yes". Their argument is that those memories served a purpose for what and who you are today. They made you stronger, they made you less susceptible to pain... But my argument is that, since I do know that they WILL serve a purpose and they WILL make me stronger, I wouldn't mind experiencing it all over again, as if it was the first time I ever got hurt.

Maybe I could find things, ideas, concepts, feelings, people and objects that I could love all over again in that beautiful place. I would always have the sentimentality of those people that I cannot be with, but it's such a wondrous feeling to know that you can feel the first strike all over again.

Being in Sartre's hell, not being able to take a break from it, having the constant alert of your senses that you are indeed living a half-psuedo life is just too much to think about. Not having eye lids wasn't a concept that I would've written down if I were to design my own hell but that was a very interesting addition to it. Imagine not being able to escape! Then again, I might just be too idealistic... There are couches there anyway. I could bury my head on the corners and sleep. After all, some people learn how to sleep with their eyes wide open, anyway. I'll learn to adapt. I could just sleep forever, really. Then again, ever since I was a kid, I've always feared endlessness. That's the concept that I cannot bear with. I remember travelling to Enchanted Kingdom for the first time and the driver was relatively new. He didn't exactly know the directions and we got lost. I was just staring at the roads and it felt like we've just been going around in circles for the past hour and that made me vomit instantly. The feeling of walking forever and never escaping gives me the feeling of utter disgust. I was just thinking, though, those three people who are 'stuck' together are dead but they're still, somehow, a 'carbon copy' of human beings who seem to have the same function except that they cannot die or live. Are they still 'complex' creatures then? Can they still change? If they are still dynamic, then they have all the time, literally, in the world to change and just learn to get along with each other. After all, they'll be spending eternity there. I'll probably end up suggesting to talk about different topics daily... Say, "Pornography" for today and "Chocolate" for tomorrow. *SHRUGS* Then we can all just force our heads on the couch corners and sleep with our eyes open. At least it'll block the light out.  Hmm.

Could hell be described as too much of anything without a break? Are variety, moderation and balance instruments we use to keep us from boiling in any inferno of excess,' whether it be cheesecake or ravenous sex?

ANYTHING. Too much of anything? It's quite a relative term, after all. We breathe in ridiculous amounts of air everyday and it's not really hellish, is it? We go to school everyday and we learn everyday, even outside the four walls of the classroom and I'll classify that as 'knowledge'... After all, we can't exactly block our brain out from acquiring new knowledge... and this is without break because even as we dream, our brains are still functioning... could this be hell as well? Too much of God's love? Could this be hell? It's like one of those endless questions... If God can make anything possible, can God create a rock so heavy that he cannot lift it himself? I'm just looking at it in a different perspective but I do understand the context of the question. To take this literally, I love chocolates, Harry Potter, books, reading, and movies BEYOND belief... but if I were to subject myself to this daily, would that be hell? I believe that moderation is very hard to exclaim properly. Loving in moderation, caring, food, and all others... It's very difficult to pinpoint for it differs for every individual. If it seems like I simply don't want to take a stand - it's not exactly the case. A lot of us are actually jaded... We're dulled by a surfeit of excess but in this realm that we live in, we always have a choice and I simply cannot imagine not having an option. If so, hell can indeed be described as too much of 'anything' without a break... but there's a loophole here. Our minds can comprehend so much, really. What if there is another world in existence where an abundance of endless joy can be achieved and the species that live there seem to live harmoniously despite the plethora of happiness? I guess I'm taking this beyond the context given but there's so much possibilities and intake to this question that I would want to explore. I mean, seriously, I would rather have endless cheesecake than have endless bile for food. Wouldn't you?

How does Sartre create a sense of place through dialogue? Can you imagine what it feels like to stay awake all the time with the lights on with no hope of leaving a specific place? How does GARCIN react to this hell? How could you twist your daily activities around so that everyday habits become hell? Is there a pattern of circumstances that reinforces the experience of hell?

The play is all about deception and bad faith. The fact that the characters in the play are trying to act to be someone that they are inifitely not and the actors in the play acting like these characters are the perfect reflection for the philosophical claims of Sartre. Througout the dialouge, the themes of "existence precedes essences" and the consciousness of the human being for a 'being-for-itself' are played all through the mellifluous dialouge. Through the openness of the script, you can see allusions to what Sartre's trying to proclaim. The textual fear and anxiety of responsibility deters people to their freedom and end up consciously or subconsciously asking other people to decide for them. Just like Garcin's failure to escape the room he was in as it alludes to why he's in hell in the first place - he cannot face the responsibility of confronting his decision to evade his country so he stays because he needs Inez to confirm and define his essence. The literal sense of Estelle not being able to confirm her existence without a mirror alludes to her not being able to exist without the definition of other people and the confirmation of her utter essence. Garcin and Estelle are free but they continuously lock themselves up in their own hell to avoid being 'free'.

The fact that the lights remain on through eternity is something that I simply can't fathom. I am not fond of the sun, and I live through the night as I am a night person. The sun makes me drowsy for some reason. I've heard that the idea of "hope" can make a man go mad, but the idea of not having "hope" can equally make a man go mad as well. The exactitude and the finality of something that is thoroughly excrutiatingly painful is hell in its highest form, I believe. How Sartre can make us have a glimpse of hell with using a room and three dead people is just phenomenal. How he can evoke that emotion on just mere dialouge (because I have not seen the play) makes you think that with much more freedom, you can indeed do something in your life that can be seen as 'hell'. I could blog about everyone's secrets and publish it publicly on the Internet and that can cause hell for me. Hell doesn't have to be an elaborate, complicated, chock-full of 'concepts' thing - it could be as simple as being a world-class asshole and you'll surely be in hell yourself. There COULD be a pattern of circumstances that can be classified as hell but it all depends on yourself and other PEOPLE still. Edit: What happened to me recently is just astoundingly hellish. Your computer crashing where all of your files for your FINAL project to ensure your future (LITERALLY) with a back-up that quite conveniently fails as well and having to repeat the entire thing in a span of a day when the total time that was needed to finish it can total to about a week is just INSANE. This is the shallowest idea of hell that I can perceive but it's just an example... However, I do regret writing this because I do not want the concept of 'hell' to be used loosely for it I believe it's abstract quality might just lose its ironic charm.

Currently Listening House of Om: Kaskade By Kaskade Everything see related

Will Not Be Deleting, Moving On, Disgustipated.

How I wish I didn't deserve any of this.

Combined with my inherent self-degrading mind and persistent voices at the back of my head saying,

"Here you are. It will hit you again and again and it will hit you every time.

Whenever you try to hit back,
you will always miss.

Always."

I'm stuck in my own superficial induced world I created. I take and I never get to keep anything.

The ironies of the fallen have submitted to ceremonial of the decadent angsty fashion.

Here I go again,

wanting what I can NEVER have.

To him, I'm just one of those little stereotypical princcess(ettes) that he too soon forgets...

And even if not any of these statements ring true,
I AM SEEMINGLY STUCK ENVELOPED BY THEM.

I cannot free myself.

I made them, I created them. I could try and leave and hurt the subject, but I cannot.

I cannot cause him pain.

Not because I just can't..

it's because I don't have the ability to.

I could push him to the edge until he falls..
and I won't even be there to look at his descend..

Why? I know that there will be someone who will be catching him at the abyss.

I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT JUST SO I COULD MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER.

I know.. but I do not see.
I'd gladly take that.

And I'll forever turn my back knowing that I would be able to see all...

and that he will never look up..

and since I have chosen never to look.. I could never know if he even stole a second of a glance at my direction..

it's better..for if I see his eyes,

I will give in.

Tempt me, and I shall fall for you. Every single time.

I could try and run through the endless maze of his sanity and beauty and he'd never even notice that I've been gallivanting through him..

Just like that lump of make-up, I reapply ever so often just to cover my imperfections,

the cover-up just makes my imperfections even more magnified.

I am stuck being stupid.

Every single time you ask, I answer.

Every single time, I give in to you.

I prepare our conversations and practice them in my head just to I don't make any mistakes..

but that in itself is a mistake.

I've always wanted what I can never really have.. and I scream.

I know I CANNOT have you.

but that doesn't change anything.
It just makes me want you more

Knowing you can never see me the way I see you.

I have surrendered to my sub-sanity. But please.. please..

Can you please be the one to save me?

YES (  )
NO (  )